Saturday, February 07, 2009

That Crazy Little Thing Called "Love"...

You know (or maybe you don't), I'm a cynic when it comes to love. Most of the time, I think it's just raging hormones, or some kind of delusional hysteria that seizes people and makes them crazy for a while. Sooner or later, my cynical self thinks, it's going to wear off, and then there will be hell to pay.

But, when it works, it's great. My mom and dad have been married for 60 years. I don't know if that's because they love each other, or because they're stubborn. My dad won't divorce my mom because he doesn't want to split the assets; my mom won't divorce my dad because she wouldn't have anyone to torment. I don't know...They might really love each other. I hope they do. Otherwise, why live under the same roof?

I have many friends who have been married for a coon's age (a little southernism there!), but I also know people who have been divorced just as long. Take me, for example. I've been divorced longer than I was married. I liked being married, but I like being single, too.

My observations about other peoples' relationships put me off. I listen to my friends talk about their relationships--he doesn't put the toilet lid down; she won't let me go out with my buds; he's a tacky dresser; she's too flirtatious. I throw my hands up. Who am I to give relationship advice? But I will say this--anyone who goes into a relationship thinking he/she can change the other person is delusional. Any behaviorist will tell you that a person has to want to change; we can't make that person change. "If you loved me, you'd..." No. It doesn't work that way.

For example, people in the throes of an addiction will not give up that addiction until they are ready. Love has nothing to do with it. Your partner might love you more than you know, but s/he won't give up alcohol for you and that love because s/he can't--until s/he's ready. Likewise, a person who likes to spend more money than his/her significant other makes won't stop, even if the other cuts up the credit cards. A compulsive spender will find a way--until s/he decides to stop.

It's taken me my entire adult life to figure this out. I'm not sure I could apply it within the confines of a relationship. Knowing something intellectually and applying it practically are two different things. I can sit in my nice little house feeling smug, but, to tell the truth, I'm positive I'm no different from anyone else.

Probably the reason I have cats...

For my dear friends who married today, long life and long love to you. I have faith that you'll be two of the lucky ones.

9 comments:

Maureen O'Neal said...

Oh, I don't know--it sounds like maybe you could give some valuable advice on the subject. I think you are underestimating your talents here.

-Maureen O.
Eng. 226

dotsmom said...

Lessons hard learned!

Ironbear said...

We all have our very hard lessons learned. I mean, divorce teaches a very hard lesson about what love can or can't be like. You want to tanlk about wake up calls, that will keep you jaded about love. I just want to remember what it was like when love was innocent, and all of lifes other junk didn't get in the way.

I have heard so many people discouraged about marriage because they are too scared of it ending. I wish more people could believe in love. Don't worry about the warm and fuzzies, live your life together. You got married for a reason, you fell in love for a reason, just remember what for. I could go on and on but I don't want to write a paper right now.

Soul Sista said...

LOVE... one loaded four letter word. I've never been too savy in the romantic relationship department. I feel the same way about figuring it out, from afar, but have trouble integrating it into real life. I have yet to master this feat. I feel like I've studied it in much the same way as people-watching in an airport. It's a lot more safe that way isn't it? I feel like I could give good advice seeing the forest from the trees, as they say. On the other hand, don't they say, when it comes to rehab, the best council comes from the war vets? Maybe its time to put my heart on the line.

Whitney said...

I am glad to know I'm not the only "love cynic" out there! I'm a dying breed among my friends!

Carlie said...

Love is such a small word that is so tricky. I am married and I do gripe about my husband constantly, but I am still with him. The only explaination is LOVE, because he is a nut.
I am the type of person that wants my husband to go do things with his friends so I can have the house to myself for a while. It is so nice to come home and only have to pick up the mess that I make and only cook supper if I am hungry. I don't really know, I just have an independent personality. I am a very social person, but I like my down time also. I tell my husband all the time, "If I ever get rid of you... NEVER again will I get married!"
I think you give great examples and advice. You make me want a cat! :)

Nancy Piper said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nancy Piper said...

Oh, I learned those hard lessons in marriage as well. I have been there and done that-- then I did it again. I like what Ironbear sais in his comment about remembering the reason you got married. I have to do that all the time. Keep your heart open. Happy Valentines Day! (with a little pessimism)

Nancy Piper said...
This comment has been removed by the author.